Friday, February 5, 2010
I am having a wonderful time...I feel very alive, I feel younger. People say I look happier.
I met someone last week who I haven't seen for over 2 years, who thought I looked unstressed, not at all how I used to look.
There is stress in my life, to be sure- plenty of it really...but it is not the same as before...I feel lighter, I really do.
This weekend, the kids have gone up north to see their grandparents. I miss them like crazy. I used to wish for a weekend to do as I pleased...it's crap really.
Well, it's a mixture really. I can do as I please, but I realise I don;t necessarily want to just please myself. I am enjoying listening to music, and I enjoy the silence (to a degree). I can eat when I feel like it, and it is more relaxing. My children don't always want to eat at the same time as me, or each other- so it can feel like I am preparing food all day long.
I know the kids will be having a blast- they may even get to go sailing. They won;t be missing me- they'll be too busy... though Princess told me the other time they went away that she kept thinking of me and wondering if I was ok. She said it didn't feel like real life without a Mama. She is so sweet.
I did my work training without having to worry about a babysitter, or rushing to get home. I did the grocery shopping on my own. I set up my little office- ready for work on Monday night. I won a 3 dvd prize pack that got delivered out-of-the-blue. Tonight I'm going to a play (outdoors!) with a friend. I choose girly movies to watch. I read my book on the hammock.
I felt insanely lonely last night, and considered going in to town for some music and dancing, and just to talk to somebody in person- but couldn't imagine being the only person there without a friend. Next time, I will go...because I'm not going to have fun and meet new people in my lounge.
I went on a chat forum, and was astonished to see the things people write- it looked fun, but I wouldn't do it...well, maybe a bit more anonymously. I realised I wasn't really lonely at all...I like to be alone sometimes. I want to be alone sometimes. yes, I would like to be with friends- but I have friends. I could have phoned someone, or texted, or e-mailed. But I don't need to be with someone 24:7...I turned the music up louder and danced in my lounge. It's better that way actually, because really I am not much of a dancer.
I talked to my oldest friend J on the phone, and then I watched am movie (it was strange), and then my friend R noticed I was online so she called at 10:30pm... and I can do that when I am on my own...and we had a great chat, and then my friend C started texting...she sent 11 texts or so- she can type 11 texts in the time it takes me to type 3. I had given up feeling lonely, and suddenly I felt really popular.
So, now I'll check my facebook games, and other e-mails, and hang the washing, and do the dishes, maybe dance a little in my lounge, probably eat some breakfast, call a friend, and get excited about the play tonight.
Yes, life is good, it really is.