Monday, September 14, 2009

Shame

I'm reading in Parenting for a Peaceful World about Shame at the moment, and how crippling it can be. I'm not sure how I feel about all that is implied. I don't know that I carry a big burden of shame, and I guess in a funny sort of a way- I always assumed it was probably a good thing to feel embarrassed and remorseful when you've stuffed up.

It won;t come as a big surprise though to learn I don't much care for my children to be weighed down by such an emotion.

Robin Grille talks about how the predominant parenting mode of today )and the last 50 years or so) is "Socialising Mode", where parents no longer beat their children or treat them with physical cruelty...but they still attempt to control their behaviours, primarily through manipulation- one tool of which is shaming. It makes for very interesting reading, and I can see that the next mode, the "Helping" mode, is vastly different than it's predecessor.

It happened right after reading a few paragraphs of this particular chapter, that I had a little scene with Tombliboo (nearly 3). He asked for a drink in the lounge. I said no because we don;t have sugary drinks in the lounge, only water, and only water in bottles actually. This is because we are renting a fully-furnished place, and I want to care for the landlady's things as well as possible. I know how easy it is to spill a drink, with no intention whatsoever of doing so.

However, Tombliboo persisted, and eventually I agreed. The inevitable occurred, and what did my little boy do? He ran to get a cloth. He said, "I spilled the drink Mama. I just clean it up, I sorry to spill it- it all clean now." He was smiling, I snuggled him and finished the job. It was no big disaster (it had tipped on the lino, thank goodness), but I saw in that moment that he was not ashamed. He was sorry he had made a mess, he probably (or possibly?) gleaned that I had been right in what I had said...but mostly, he knew it needed cleaning, and he did it as well as he could. There was no shame. He didn't feel any, because I didn't make him feel it. There was no shame necessary, in fact.

Later in the day, he was cross that we were all playing a game he can't play (he attempts it, but it is beyond him atm). He picked up some cards, and yelled. "I gonna put these cards in da freezer! I gonna put dem in da rubbish! I gonna throw these cards everywhere!" I was a bit distracted with the game ,and didn't respond as quickly as I might have, but at that point, said, "I can see you are feeling very cross."

It was too late to stop him throwing the cards, but he *immediately* said, "Sorry Mama", and came for a cuddle. I cuddled him, and said, "I would feel much happier if you picked those cards up for Mama", and he did. No fuss whatsoever. I thanked him for his help, and we had a nice long snuggle.

Tombliboo is not as reasonable as J-Man and Princess were at his age. He has always struck me as being quite different, in that he wants what he wants (who doesn't?) but he won't be diverted from it. I think I am finally seeing that while he is not always obliging, he is getting there. But he is not doing so out of fear or duty, but out of respect and love for me- at least that's what I reckon :0)

Thursday, September 3, 2009

School

School

I always knew home was better than school. It's just logical that a child will fare better in a family than in a room of 30 kids the same age. I remember when we first looked in to homeschooling for J-Man (he was 4.5 yrs at the time). I was told that if oen wanted to follow the NZ curriculum (which from all I had heard, I certainly did not), it woudl take a homeschooling family 2 hours a week.

I was sure they must mean 2 hours a day, which was still astonishing given tghat chidlren are at school for 6 horus a day. But no, it was actually 2 hours a week (instead of 30) that was required to get through the curriculum.

Ayyway, so I have always known my children were learning stuff. Recently I had someone suggest to me that J-Man is opposed to learning, that he doesn't like to learn, and somehow you would need to trick him or cajole him in to it. I didn't know what to say at the time, ebcause it did look just at that moment like it might be the case.

But upon reflection, I realised that J-Man loves to learn (as do all humans), he simply doesn't like to be taught, and he doesn't like learning to be boring...who does? He has always been like that, and here's the thing...learning is NOT boring when you are learning what interests you. It's fascinating. If you are used to a life of natural learning, learning what is important to you- of course you would find staged learning inferior. You may even come across as someone who despises learning.

When J-Man was 4, and nearly a fluent reader, I asked him one day, "How would you spell 'computer'?" He roleld his eyes at me, and said, "Mum! You're trying to teach me again and you know it doesn't work!" Yes, 4 years old...I have always known that he prefers to learn in his own way and without interference, but I must have forgotten briefly.

Anywya, so through the years, I didn't doubt that my chidlren were learning. I wodnered if they were learning what they would in school- but not in a worryign sort of a way, just curious. Actually, I suspected their learning was far broader. There's a quote I read once, which I won't be able to find now we're on dial-up...but it was fro ma Summerhill Graduate, and it was saying somethign like, "We did a bit of everything, and collected puzzle pieces over the years, and then suddenly it all came together, all the pieeces fit". It was as if to say, that while the learning wasn't metered out in even doses, adn they didn't know *what* they were learning or how it related to the whole, or even if it was going to add up...somehow it did.

I think my children's learning looks like a muddle probably from the outside. It is a little bit here and there, adn then nothing for a long time, and then a big lot of something seemingly unimportant (or certainly not from the curricum)...but it is making connections all over the place.

J-Man drew a picture yesterday of The Unschooler's Brain...this is my son who has drawn only a handful of times since he was 6. Suddenly he likes to draw, and he is quite good at it actually.

But to look at this picture, it really was a brain shaped scribble. But when you looked closer, you saw that it was firign all over the place. It wasn't ordered, it was a scramble. If you looked closely you coudl see puzzle pieces. He explained the drawing at length, and I thought, "Here is a boy who really understands how his mind works."

OK, so I'm an unschooling convert, lol, nothing new about that...but here's the thing. I sometimes doubted, well I doubted a lot every so often, but I tried not to project that on to my children. I doubted that they were learning as much as they could be. I doubted that school kids were learning little to nothign in 6 hours a day 5 days a week. It didn't bother me, or wish a different childhood for my babies...after all, even if they don't learn as much or as well as a child in shcool- I still think unschooling is superior. There is more to life than letters and numbers. Do I wish for them to be surrounded by clever peopel, or by kind? I want them to grow up free, to grow up doign the thigns they love, and no, I am not concerned that the ywon;t be abel to handle "the real world", where there are jobs and people you don't like.

I'm rambling...so, they went to school. And, well, I have to admit I was astonished by how little they did! I was. I thoguth they woudl do sooo much, and certainly so much more than at home. But it was not the case. OK, so J-Man only went for 3 days, and yes- it wa a fairly low-standard school...but still, I knwo now that our "doing nothing" days, still involve more learning than a day in school.

As far as written work goes, in a full day of school...J-Man brought hom a maths book with the following written.

2+2=2x2
2+2+2=2x3
2+2+2+2=2x4 and so on up to 12x2

The next day he did 3x, adn the last day 4x.

I felt certain they woudl just give him busy work, since they would have no idea of what level he was functioning at. But no, he assured me this was what the whole class was doing.

He typed a story on the computer, actually more of a short account of his weekend.

He wrote a line of e's, and a few Maori words. He probably wrote less than the other children, because his writing is laborious.

They sang songs (all in Maori), and they listened to children giving mini-speeches in Maori. They walked to the library (which apprently took a very long time, by the time everyoen was ready, and in a straight line). They chose books there, though J-Man already had his own book.

Then, they went back to class for "SSR", Sustained Silent Reading. He found that terribly frustrating, because he was excited about the possibility of reading a little more of his book, but unable to because of the constant interruptions. The other children apaprently wanted to know if he could *actually* read the book (he was incredulous at this point, because he was already up to pg 200), and they also asked him to spell daft little words.

They sang more songs, in conjunction with the junior class. A girl told on a boy (of 10 or 12) who was playing with a matchbox car when he was supposed to be listening. The teacher snatched it off him, and he had a tantrum "like a two year old". This morphed in to a gigantic fuss, whereupon the boy picked up chairs and threw them.

That was about it. Every day was much the same (minus the theatrics of the first, but with a few scrimmages thrown in).

I asked what else they had done, and ther ewas nothing. I can't see how 6 hours can be filled up with this little...and this is a class of 9 chidlren. How much less would eb done in a class of 30 (or 36, as was the case in some schools in Auckland)?

So, Kiwi_Mama and others who are wondering...whatever you do at home, be it big or small, it is most likely more than your child would be doing at school. It makes me feel sorry for school children in general, and the child I was as well. What might I have accomplished had I not been in school for 30 horus a week, 40 or so weeks in a year, 11 loooong years?

School

School

I always knew home was better than school. It's just logical that a child will fare better in a family than in a room of 30 kids the same age. I remember when we first looked in to homeschooling for J-Man (he was 4.5 yrs at the time). I was told that if oen wanted to follow the NZ curriculum (which from all I had heard, I certainly did not), it woudl take a hoemschoolign family 2 hours a week.

I was sure they must mean 2 horus a day, which was still astonishing given tghat chidlren are at school for 6 horus a day. But no, it was actually 2 hours a week (instead of 30) that was required to get through the curriculum.

Ayyway, so I have always known my children were learning stuff. Recently I had someone suggest to me that J-Man is opposed to learning, that he doesn't like to learn, and somehow you would need ot trick him or cajole him in to it. I didn't know what to say at the time, ebcause it did look just at that moment liek it might be the case.

But upon reflection, I realised that J-Man loves to learn (as do all humans), he simply doesn't like to be taught, and he doesn't like learning to be boring...who does? He has always been like that, and here's the thing...learning is NOT boring when you are learning what interests you. It's fascinating. If you are used to a life of natural learning, learning what is important to you- of course you would find staged learning inferior. You may even come across as soemone who despises learning.

When J-Man was 4, and nearly a fluent reader, I asked him one day, "How would you spell 'computer'?" He roleld his eyes at me, and said, "Mum! You're trying to teach me again and you know it doesn't work!" Yes, 4 years old...I have always known that he prefers to learn in his own way and without interference, but I must have forgotten briefly.

Anywya, so through the years, I didn;t doubt that my chidlren were learning. I wodnered if they were learnign what they would in school- but not in a worryign sort of a way, just curious. Actually, I suspected their learning was far broader. There's a quote I read once, which I won;t be abel to find now we're on dial-up...but it was fro ma Summerhill Graduate, and it was saying somethign liek, "We did a bit of everything, and collected puzzle pieces over the years, and then suddenly it al lcame together, al lthe pieeces fit". It was as if to say, that whiel the learnign wasn't metered out in even doses, adn they didn;t know *what* they were learning or how it related to the whole, or even if it was goign to add up...somehow it did.

I think my children's learning looks liek a muddle probably from the outside. It is a littel bit here adn there, adn then nothing for a long time, adn then a big lot of somethign seemingly unimportant (or certainly not from the curricum)...but it is making conectiosn all voer the place.

J-Man drew a picture yesterday of Teh Unschooler's Brain...this is my son who has drawn only a handful of times since he was 6. Sudenyl he lieks to draw, and he is quite good at it actually.

BUt to look at this picture, it really was a brain shaped scribble. BUt when you looked closer, you saw that it was firign all over the place. It wasn;t ordered, it was a scramble. If you looked closely you coudl see puzzle pieces. He xplained the drawing at length, and I htought, "Here is a boy who really udnerstands hwo his mind works."

OK, so I'm an usnchoolign convert, lol, nothing new about that...but heres' the thign. I sometimes doubted, well I doubted a lot, but I tried not to project that on to my chidlren. I doubted that they were learning as much as they could be. I doubted that school kids were learning little to nothign in 6 hours a day 5 days a week. It didn;t bother me, or wish a different childhood for my babies...after all, even if they don;t learn as much or as well as a child in shcool- I still think usnchoolign is superior. There is more to life than letters adn numbers. Do I wish for them to be surrounded by clever peopel, or by kind? I want them to grow up free, to grow up doign the thigns they lvoe, and no, I am not concerned that the ywon;t be abel to handle "the realworld", where there are jobs and epoepl you don;t like.

I'm rambling...so, they went to school. And, well, I have to admit I was astonished by how little they did! I was. I thoguth they woudl do sooo much, and certiqanly so much more than at home. But it was not the case. OK, so J-Man only went for 3 days, and yes- it wa a fairly low-standard school...but still, I knwo now that our "doing nothign" days, still invovle more learnign than a day in school.

As far as written work goes, in a full day of school...J-Man brought hom a maths book with the following written.

2+2=2x2
2+2+2=2x3
2+2+2+2=2x4 and so on up to 12x2

The next day he did 3x, adn the last day 4x.

I felt certain they woudl just give him busy work, sicne they would have no idea of what level he was functioning at. But no, he assured me this was what the whole class was doing.

He typed a story on the computer, actualyl more of an accoutn of his weekend.

He wrote a line of e's, and a few Maori words.

They sang songs (all in Maori), and they listened to children giving mini-speeches in Maori. They walekd to the library (which apprently took a veyr logn time, by the time everyoen was ready, and in a straight line). They chose books there, though J-Man already had his own book.

Then, they went back to class for "SSR", Sustained Silent Reading. He foudn that terribly frustrating, because he was excited abotu the possibility of reading al ittle more of his book, but unable to because of the constant interruptions. The other chidlren apaprently wanted to knwo if he coudl *actualyl* read the book (he was incredulous at this point, because he was already up to pg 200), and they also asked him to spell daft little words.

They sang more songs, in conjunction with the junior class. A girl told on a boy (of 10 or 12) who was palyign with a matchbox car when he was supposed to be listneing. The teacher snatched it off him, and he had a tantrum "like a two year old". This morphed in to a gigantic fuss, wheredupon the boy picked up chairs and threw them.

That was about it. Every day was mcuh the same (minus the theatrics of the first, but with a few srimmages thrown in).

I asked what else they had done, and ther ewas nothing. I can;t see how 6 hours can be filled up with this little...and this is a class of 9 chidlren. How much less would eb done in a class of 30 (or 36, as was the case in some schools in Auckland)?

So, Kiwi_Mama and others who are wondering...whatever you do at home, be it big or small, it is most lieely more than your chidl woudl eb doign at school. It makwes me feel sorry for school children in general, adn the child I was as well. What migth I have accomplished had I not been in school for 30 horus a week, 40 or so weeks in a year, 11 loooong years?